Monday, December 18, 2006

Contents of Xmas letter: Too bitter?

Merry Effing Christmas to everybody! My warmest Aloha to you all, especially those of you suffering through bitter snowstorms who weren't really aware I live in Hawaii now (Has it been three years since I sent out Christmas cards? I'm such a slacker!) I love Christmas card mass letters and won't apologize one bit: How else do I get to flaunt my fabulous life?
Well, let's get to it then:
I still work the same dead-end job at the nut-house (Macadamia! I'm not crazy!...Yet)where this year alone we had a fire that damaged pricey equipment and buildings, a plummeting crop price as Mauna Loa (Hershey's) flooded the market with cheap foreign nuts (I'm a free-market economist: Screw all those little old Hawaiian farmers!) and the earthquake which damaged our newly-completed and not-yet-paid-for visitors center. The epicenter for the earthquake was riiight out there (pointing out my office window). I'm still writing a food column for the Hawaii Island Journal, where I attempt to rein in my bitter distaste of the local greasy-spoons long enough to pound out a thousand words (my editor says I have a "uniquely flippant voice": Whaddya think he means by that?!?!) And last week I successfully passed the exam to become a certified PADI Open Water Scuba Instructor! While I was chasing this goal, my dearest boyfriend, who promised undying love when he moved here in March, took advantage of my absence to break up with me. Anyone want his Christmas gift? Up for grabs!
There were bright spots this year (besides the fire- hehe!) including a visit last December from my sister Tamia and her husband Rowshan, a visit last spring from my dearest friend Lori, and a visit last summer from my brother Michael. What about the rest of you? Step up! I live in Hawaii and can teach you to Scuba Dive! And I'm not this bitter all the time!
In fact, I look forward to the New Year, where I will curl up with the cat and my knitting and a bottle of champagne and work really hard to pursue my goal of becoming that crazy cat lady with the 200 cats. Screw it. Make it 300!
May you all have a wonderful Holiday Season, and an excellent New Year, and may you see past my vicious sarcasm to the love I have for you all.

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